her... [13 Jun 2004|04:29pm] well. i havent updated my lj in a while...mind as well, huh! ill start off with all the happy bullshit- its summer. ive got all the freedom i want. so far its been a pretty chill summer. now everyone has to go and ditch me and start summer school :(. oh well. ok. now that were finished with that, ill write about how i really feel... for the past...god knows how long...ive been thinking about her...i cant get her out of my mind...and the more and more i sit and think about it the stronger and stronger my feelings grow...and its so hard...because im always around her...and im always thinking about her...i dont know if she feels the same...or even remotely likes me...i dont even know what to do anymore...*shrug*...only time can tell...and if your wondering..."she"...is melanie... --neil... 2 comments

melanie... [21 Apr 2004|07:56pm] shes all ive been able to think about for the past couple weeks...its crazy...i never knew i could have this strong of feelings for someone in such a short amount of time... every time i think of her i get that wierd feeling in my stomach when you get nervous...like when you fall...thats what it feels like... and i cant get her out of my head. it takes me twice as long to do everything...im always thinking about her... i dont know if this is love... but if it feels like falling...maybe i am... comments

??? [13 Apr 2004|07:12am] I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then, I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything. 2 comments

thinkin [12 Apr 2004|11:20pm] well ever since saturday night all ive been thinkin about is mel...and just so you know , what happens at the hill, stays there. thats why u aint findin out :D but yeah...ive just been thinkin bout her alot, cant get my mind of her...thought i should tell you guys that... my spring break was just fuckin dandy! just ask me if u wanna know what i did muahahaha yeah...i really like mel alot..*shrug*...only time can tell... comments

feelin shitty [24 Mar 2004|10:28pm] well tonight has pretty much overall shitty. actually the few days have been... for the past few days ive been thinkin about brenna and how much i reallly want her back but i can tell she doesnt wanna be with me. she says so...i really doubt it. this morning i could almost not get a ride to school. then school just sucked. its school. after school i went to carls jr to meet brett, but like an asshole he flaked and left me, so i had to go all the way back home, but i went to my friend dawns house with jessica, rose, travis, akila, terrez, and brittany...we had a blast. me akila and travis blazed a lil...then we jumped on her trampoline...i came home, asked my mom if i could take football. no. i cant take it cuz apparently she believe ILL BREAK MY MOTHER FUCKING NECK AND DIE. but ROTC is fine, ya know, swinging heavy ass guns and sharp tipped swords around. thats cool, but not running into someone. its fucking gay. then jj called me a dick. yep. now listening to hourglass, so i feel like 90% shit, and 10% brokenhearted. yep. life sucks....maybe ill cheer up later...i feel like posting this song up so i willl... ~~ Its summer time and the wind is blowing outside in lower Chelsea And i dont know what im doing in this city the sun is always in my eyes, its crashing through the window and im sleeping on the couch when i came to visit you and thats when i knew i could never have you i knew that before you did still im the one whos stupid and theres this burning like theres always been ive never been so alone and ive never been so alive visions of you on a motorcycle drive by the cigarette ash flies in your eyes and you dont mind you smile and say the world, it doesnt fit with you i dont believe you your so serene careening through the universe your axis on a tilt your guiltless and free i hope you take a piece of me with you and thers things i would like to do that you dont believe in i would like to build something but you never see it hapenin and therse this burning like theres always been ive never been so alone and ive never bee so alive and theres this burning, and theres this BURNING this is all i wanna know new york city is evil the surface is everythning, but i could never do that someone would see throiugh that but this is the last time well be friends again and ill get over you and youll wonder who i am and thers this burning just like thers always been ive never been so alone alone alive alive alive ive never been so alive, so alive I go home to the coast, it starts to rain, i paddle out to the water alone, taste the salt and taste the pain. Im not thinking of you again, summer dies and swells rise, the sun goes down in my eyes, see this rolling wave, darkly coming to take me home. and ive never been so alone and ive never been so alive ~~~ thats motorcycle drive-by by third eye blind...yep... bye.... comments

[01 Mar 2004|06:50pm] eh...juss thinkin about jessica...ALOT more...*shrug*...found a poem she wrote me...here goes it... love, was always simply just a term of endearment a single word to all of my knowing until one day you kissed me and that word completely bestowed a meaning a word of mysetery a word i never thought id know but with determination... its meaning you strongly sought to show some how through your eyes its definition i could see care, compassion, and honesty trust, devotion, motivation, and loyalty all terms i never thought to know until one day you held me... held me so tight... i knew youd never let me go i knew youd stay vy my side stay along for the ride some how your touch assures me assures me that your here to stay assures me that youll never let me slip away but some how with the power of your kiss all at once i know its true... without a doubt i know you love me without a doubt...i know i love you ~~ *shrug*...oo lookie...a song she wrote me...mind as well put that too huh? how do i explain it how do i find the perfect words to tell you exactly what im feelings how do i tell you that ive never been happier how do i tell you youre everything i need how do i tell you that when im with you i can do anything im on the top of the world how do i express this love i have inside how do i guarentee my love is true... guarentee its all for you how do i show you i care assure you that i will always be there how do i make known that when you hold me ive never felt so safe that when you hold me i never want you to let me go how do i let my true colors show how do i put away the smile and just let the tear drops flow how do i explain the butterflys that flutter within me that i get with just one look from you that seem just so surreal how do i tell you that i trust you with anything how do i tell you that you are my everything how do i  tell you ist true how do i simply tell you... i am in love you with you. ~~~~~ i really hope i dont cry right now...nows not a good time...ugh...yeah...not much happened today...yep...im out... 1 comments

*sigh* *shrug* thinking...i guess... [29 Feb 2004|01:31pm] ~__"I thought she knew my world revolved around her..."__~ life is being itself..unfair and unjust...as always...and ive been thinkin about jessi more and more as the days roll on...*shrug* dont know what i should do...its hard...oh well... this week my bro came to visit (actually last week) and left just yesterday...yeah...hes chill. love him to death even tho hes an asshole sometimes :P mike came over friday...stayed the night...that was chill...so did brett n matt... brett n julien slept over last nite (saturday)....was fun... yeah. lifes boring and shitty. *sigh* ~love::nizzle~ 1 comments

~LovE~ [24 Feb 2004|11:15pm] Its 11.15...tuesday the 24th...and i dont know whether to smile or cry...im not with jessi...but then again i can be...what to do...all i have to do is find myself...something that usually takes me months...and im not about to let something like me get in the way of the love i have for her...i cant imagine not being with her...and i smile about this...but ive shed more tears about it so far. i dont know...i love her. she is everything that i could ever want. all in one...and i dont want to let some bullshit like me stop me from being with her...she made me realize that i can acomplish my dreams...i just have to try. i can do whatever i want...and all i have to do is try...shes one of the smartest people ive ever met... but now...i have to search deep down inside the deep crevices of my heart to find who i am. and not be ashamed. to love who i am and accept who i am. because i cant change shit about it, so why try? why "be loved for who i am not, rather than be hated for who i am"? i dont really know...all i know is that i want to be with jessi...and to do that ihave to find who i am...and here come the tears...yep. there they go. i just cant stand not being with her...not hearing her say those three words to me when i say them to her...to be without that strange bond of relationships...i just cant stand it...i love her so much...i cant even explain it anymore...my feelings always run my life. *shrug* oh well... sleep time...i love you Jessica. 2 comments

been a while hmm? [10 Feb 2004|04:25pm] yeah im gonna have to say its been a really long while since ive updated my livejournal...sorry bout that miss :( ... but yeah anyways lifes goin better. crissi broke up with me January 19...that really didnt make me too happy if you can tell by past entries...but hey, life goes on right? im still here arent i? anyways yep my life was shit for a while after that and then i got over it. theres now another love in my life...Jessica. met her when i was still with crissi, and saw her some after that, then she "dated" ,i guess you could call it, my old best friend. she was havin problems with him so i helped her (i understood her every problem with him). in the process of helping her i got really close with her and hey, look at me now. im together with her (since the 31st) and well...everythings just goin plain good. except school...i need help in that area... not much else to talk about in my life...over the weekend just hung out with jessi, got a new belt :D (white with 3 rows of studs) and then yesterday...school...today...school...same ol shit happens...girls bitch and bitch at eachother and gay shit like that :-\...tomorrow and thursday are both minimum days so i get off at 11.45...then i have friday and monday off...and saturday is valentines day and i still dont know what me n jessica are gonna do...but hey *shrug* bein with her is just fine with me. well i guess im done blabbin about my life. ill upday later this week (prolly friday when i get home or somethin :P) oh...and yes...poetry...ive written more since ive gotten more and more into relationships...so yeah heres a few for ya (but there prolly arent too many people who read this, but hey *shrug* who cares?) ~ Why do i exist in a world full of hatred The bonds of love and death so tight Humanic society ran me from who i was But maybe all these lies are right? Chaos and peace are no longer seperate Silent war is raging inside me The war between love and the war between hate Rage on inside me, neitther will flee Being in love and hating somebody No longer has difference to me Nothing that lives on inside of me Will live long enough to watch my heart bleed ~ I feel the razor grazing my wrist As my blood and the air lace I take a step at the black being; Death and I embrace I look towards the heavens Accepting my vile fate I reach out to grasp it; The key to the Holy Gate One step closer, I may just make it I seize the key and open the gate I turn towards the Lord, “All I felt was hate, No one cared for me No one really loved me And even if they said it They were lying to me I had to end my own life I had to cut it short Dishonesty and mistrust The two greatest things I abhor.” But that’s what was handed to me That was all I got I learned not to fall in love That’s all ive been taught Despite what ive learned Despite all the pain I still fell in love Again and again Look where I am now See what you did? The anger, the heartbreak Were among the things I hid In the back of my mind I tried not to dwell On all of the heartbreak It worked for a while, well… Life got harder, and you got crueler I couldn’t tolerate your lies So I planned this suicide for months I finally met my demise Slicing at my wrists With and ever-so-sharp blade It was too late that I realized Everyone I forgave All the pain I suffered Was more than just forgiven It was too late that I realized I need to get back to living But then I lost my blood I lost all of my caring, My love, my feeling It was then the Lord was glaring Glaring down at me For taking my own life It wasn’t yet my time I shouldve put down that knife Too late was it now I was already in front of the Lord Frowning, he said, “I gave you a life that you abhored, I gave you a purpose I gave you a gift I gave you something No one else could lift The gift of love The gift of care The gift of feeling, But why did you dare To take your own life When you know what id do Send you to Hell But may I ask who Who was the greatest of the pains you have felt Who has caused you the most anguish Who broke your heart so hard I heard it shatter Who made your heart so tarnished?” I had no answer It was all of the love All of the heartbreak I was pushed and shoved Out of their lives Like a nobody to them Now that I am dead I shall never love again… ~~ yeah that covers it for right now...lates... 1 comments

ehh...bored...and its new years [01 Jan 2004|01:20pm] first of all, Happy New Years to all. yep. last night i got pretty hammered and came home around 1.30... nothin much else tho...except i pretty much wasted all my minutes talking to my girlfriend :\...oh well...my mom pays for it anyways -_-. other than that ive just been chillen. yep. so ill just put somethin else in later this week... 2 comments

*sigh* *shrug* thinking...i guess... [30 Dec 2003|01:31pm] yep. thinking again. about Crissi. cant really get my mind off of her...and i cant really concentrate on anything without her popping into my head...wierd stuff... i guess i just miss her alot...*shrug* i unno...i need to keep takin my paxil shit but at the same time i dont want to. taking a pill to make you happy is just total and complete BULLSHIT. why should life be like this for me? having to take a pill or else im too sad to go on? what the fuck is that! i cant do shit anything without thinking about crissi, and the pills are sposed to "level out my emotional highs and lows" but that aint workin worth shit.i really dont know what to do anymore...ill get back to you guys on that one... 1 comments

christmasss [25 Dec 2003|09:38am] oh yeah its christmas! merry christmas to all, and id like to say i love you miss for makin this for me! oodles! kizzes. yeah anyways i woke up around 6.15 this morning, woke my mom at 7, talked to her till 8, opened my pressents (which i am veryy happy for: 400 buxx, a pillow and some squishy things!) made a few fone calls and now im waiting for my dad to get here so i can go to his house :) well later all, i love you all. comments

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